


Rage

by batyalewbel



Series: Ghost Quartet [2]
Category: The Haunting of Hill House (TV 2018)
Genre: Episode tag 1x10, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, family stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-23 07:23:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16614485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/batyalewbel/pseuds/batyalewbel
Summary: Shirley wonders sometimes if she was born angry or if it’s something she grew into.When she was young her angers were small child-sized things.But it grew as she did. Grew into bigger things.She was angry for so long she had forgotten what it was like to feel otherwise.





	Rage

_I want to dance_  
_I want to gaze at the stars_  
_I want to take a picture at the end of the world_

 _I never thought_  
_That things really die_  
_Not in real life_  
_In real life there’s no such thing as ghosts_

_-Hero, Ghost Quartet_

Shirley wonders sometimes if she was born angry or if it’s something she grew into.

When she was young, her angers were small, child-sized things. Angry when Theo pulled a prank or Luke got into her things.

But it grew as she did. Grew into bigger things. Anger over a box of dead cats and her mother _clearly_ lying about what happened to the one that survived. Anger over her father withholding what had happened to their mother. Anger at Steve writing his book. Anger at Nell falling apart and Luke’s addiction. Anger at Theo and Kevin for being weak enough to take Steven’s money and stupid enough to lean into each other down in that fucking cellar.

She was angry for so long she had forgotten what it was like to feel otherwise.

\---

The day before Nell’s funeral the rage bubbled up. At Steven, at Luke, at Dad. Theo and Kevin were just a final fuck you cherry on that fucking day.

But when she had grown up, her anger had gotten more complicated. It had a thousand shades and textures. She could feel so blindingly furious at Steven while also feeling concern as she watched her older brother crack at the sight of Nell’s body.

She could feel pissed at Luke for being a junkie while also being relieved to see how clear his eyes were.

And she could be pissed at Nell for being dead while missing her so deeply that it felt like her chest might burst inwards from the force of it. It felt like she could implode around the black hole that Nellie’s death left in her heart.

If she was the angriest at Theo and Kevin, it was only because that was easier than examining the rest of it.

\---

Shirley would have kept fighting with Theo, hands tight on the steering wheel as their voices got louder and louder. The screaming apparition of Nell was enough to scare her into silence and nearly run the car off the fucking road.

They swerved into a ditch and Shirley slammed the breaks. The moment the car stopped Theo burst out of the passenger door, running out into the empty stretch of grass on the side of the road and dropping to her knees with a wail that could cut glass.

And Shirley...She could only step out of the car and ask if Theo was okay. Moments ago they’d been screaming at each other but now they were reduced to this.

And so she stood there as Theo told her about the numb nothing that nearly consumed her. About reaching out for a life raft in the dark. About being so, so sorry for what she had nearly done with Kevin. About the fear she might lose the only sister she had left.

By the end she was just sobbing and repeating _“please,”_ her hands open and imploring.

And in the end, Shirley didn’t know what to say. So she reached down and pulled Theo to her feet, tugging her back towards the car.

And Theo followed.

\---

When they were driving again, Theo stared out the window with a blank expression, her hands fisted in her lap.

And Shirley thought of the nights when they were little and scared of that big house. When they would hang onto each other for comfort and some sense of security.

She remembers when the box of kittens died and Theo came to her the next day with the stack of photos Shirley had taken. _“You should do something with all these,”_ she had said in that typical gruff way of hers. A good idea and a sweet gesture couched in a bad attitude as she shoved the pictures into Shirley’s hands and walked away.

It’s always been like that, Theo reaching out in her clumsy way. Sometimes Shirley met her halfway and sometimes she didn’t.

Now was a time for a halfway and she knew it. She was just getting up the nerve.

She took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry Theo.”

Her sister startled a little in her seat.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry,” Shirley repeated beneath her sisters incredulous gaze, while she took a slight right turn onto a side road off the main highway. They were a few minutes from the house.

“You want to explain what you’re apologizing for right now?” Theo asked and again Shirley thought of hands reaching and missing each other.

“You wouldn’t have lost me,” she says, “I was mad at you and Kevin, but you wouldn’t have lost me as a sister,” she hazarded a glance at Theo, “You’re the only sister _I_ have left too.”

And Theo stared at her, not speaking or moving for an infinite moment. Finally, she sniffed and looked away, wiping at her eyes with a gloved hand.

“Good,” she said softly, turning back towards the window.

The next part was going to be the hardest, but after everything, Shirley owed it to her sister.

“I cheated on Kevin,” she whispered and Theo looked back at her, grey eyes wide.

_“What?”_

“Six years ago. At a conference. It was just one time but…” she glanced at her sister.

 _“Shit Shirl,”_ she muttered and Shirley could only nod her head. Theo was smart, she wouldn’t need Shirley to spell it out.

 _“Shit,”_ she said again and Shirley just kept nodding her head as tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Okay,” Theo said and reached across the seat to wipe a tear from Shirley’s cheek, “Okay. Enough of that.”

“Yeah,” Shirley agreed and wiped at her own face with a shaky hand.

“Does Kevin know?”

She shook her head, waterworks threatening again.

“Okay,” Theo said eyes facing forward, “Okay. First we find Luke and then…”

“Yeah,” Shirley agreed and Theo nodded.

She didn’t know exactly what she was agreeing to but still, she agreed.

\---

The house was horrible, the way it had always been, if she was honest with herself. The nightmare it gave her was horrifying, but waking up to see Luke, half dead on the floor, was far worse.

And then Nell was there, as sweet and sad as she had ever been. She had something to say for each of them with a smile that spoke volumes.

And at the end she told them that she loved them and the rest was _confetti._

It wasn’t enough. Enough time or enough to say but it would have to be.

She would have to live without Nell. Even if that pissed her off more than life itself.

Dad got them out, but Luke was still on the edge of death and he needed to get to the hospital.

Shirley cursed every stop sign and red light along the way while Luke breathed in jagged bursts from the passenger seat beside her. Theo in the back was silent, the worry coming off her in waves that even Shirley could feel.

\---

In Luke’s hospital room, Shirley and Theo sat and waited until Steven joined them looking haggard.

It seems it would always be Steven’s job to be the bearer of bad news.

“Dad’s dead,” he said, “I think he...The house...I think he was dead before he got us out of the Red Room.”

Shirley sat down very slowly on the edge of Luke’s bed and Theo just put a hand over her mouth to stifle what might have been a sob.

They didn’t ask for more details and Steve didn’t offer any. And none of them spoke for several minutes until Theo jumped to her feet and said, “I...sorry I...I’ll be back I just need to…” and she headed out into the hall.

Then it was just Shirley and Steven. Their unconscious brother between them like a barrier, or a bridge.

Shirley took a minute to examine her older brother, something she hadn’t done in some time. She looked at the dark circles around his eyes. His hair, mussed by fear sweat and dust, his nice suit was covered in even more dirt, dust, and sweat.

He was a mess.

As if he could feel her gaze on him, he looked at her then with a ghost of a crooked smile, “You got something you want to say Shirl? Now’s probably the time.”

She sighed, they were both tired. Too tired to fight maybe, but also too tired to say things the way they ought to be said. Her filters were all worn away, his probably were too.

“You know Nellie always hated that we fought,” she said softly. Steve blinked and then nodded with a rueful smile.

“Yeah she did.”

“I’m always going to hate that book,” she continued and there was a slight raising of brows and a smile in response.

“You and about 90% of the critics,” Steve said with remarkably good humor.

“What I mean is, I’ll never like the book but...I think I get it now,” she said.

“You do?” Steve asked, disbelief writ large on his features. Shirley opened her mouth and then laughed a little, shaking her head, “No...I don’t.”

Steve snorted and Shirley kept going because this needed to be said, “I’ll never get it, but it’s not worth losing a brother over.”

And Steve froze, shocked into stillness by her words.

“You mean that?” he asked and the words were choked. Shirley nodded, hands folded tightly in her lap.

“Nellie wouldn’t want us to keep fighting, not after everything,” she added and Steve nodded, his shoulders shaking with the force of what might have been tears. He hid in face in his hands and kept nodding his head up and down, up and down.

Then the only sound in the room was the beep of Luke’s heart monitor and Steve’s ragged breaths.

It took Shirley a few more minutes to work up the courage to get up and come to his side of the room settling into the empty chair next to him, bumping her shoulder against his.

“Sorry,” he mumbled through his fingers and she sighed, shaking her head.

“Don’t worry about it. I had a talk with Theo earlier. Ended up bawling like a baby. It’s been a crazy day.”

“Preceded by a crazy twenty years,” Steven added as he leans back in his seat and wiped at his face with both hands.

“Shit,” he muttered and Shirley nodded her agreement.

After a few minutes of quiet, Steve got to his feet and peeked out the door before sitting back down next to Shirley.

“Theo looks okay,” he said, and Shirley assumed that he meant that Theo looked present and alive and not actually okay. None of them _looked_ okay.

But she didn’t call him on that as the night’s events hit her all at once. She was dead tired and so as Steve sat back down, she rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. She wasn't going to question the impulse to lean in for warmth and support. Not right now.

And Steven didn’t say anything back, he just leaned in a little closer, maybe to give her more shoulder to rest her head on. Who could say why Steven did anything?

\---

Two weeks after Hill House, Shirley would organize the memorial for Dad. Steve didn’t want anybody going back to the house and even Shirley would have to agree.

They would have a memorial but no body to bury.

She would explain to the kids how the grandpa they just met had died. She would do it the way Theo had taught her.

“How did he die?”

“There was something wrong with his heart. That happens sometimes when people get older.”

“Why did he die?”

“I don’t know sweetie.”

At the service she would sit next to Luke and hold his hand while he cried. There wasn’t really anything to say to Luke after everything that happened. He had been a junkie. She had been angry. She could only make up for her part with her continued presence and he seemed to feel the same, if the way he held her hand tight was anything to go by.

Two months after, Theo moved out of the guest house. Her new girlfriend Trish helped move boxes and Shirley could only smile seeing the two of them together.

Two years after, they got to come together and celebrate Luke being two years sober. It was a good milestone and Shirley was proud. Not just of Luke, but of Steven and Leigh who had reconciled and now Leigh was pregnant. Of Theo, who was now happily engaged to Trish and finally ready to settle down.

And maybe a little proud of herself. Telling Kevin the truth that night had been hard. He had been rightfully angry with her for some time but they had worked through it and they were doing okay now. No more secrets, no more separate accounts.

The Crains had gone through hell and back but now the survivors were alive and living as best as they knew how. That was something to be proud of.

For the first time in a long time, Shirley wasn’t angry anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> So I also don't hate Shirley like some people do. IDK all these kids need hugs amirite?


End file.
